back from scott's

and in sympathy with mr. libby, scott would like to be known herewith as "scooter."

in fact the music was pretty inspired tonight.

susannah's still alive
connection
walk away renee
tiny dancer

wonderful sounding guitars and harmonies tonight. we have such a lot of tools to play with to get sounds. here's someone i've found ways to make new & evolving music with for pretty near 30 years now.

and alan and bob and tom cope and henry manzanilla and beck heywood and bill jeralds and jon ash and tom vache and steve anderson and greg thorne and karen almquist and susan brown. see i don't have many lovers but i sure have a lot of music relationships.

something i figured out

i've always thought of my father as a worrier. fortunately, he also made me feel like he had things under control and there was always something you could do no matter how bad things got. my mom and he taught me that in times of real emergency, make sure the field of vision is small and focused. one thing i can say about my childhood that no matter what other damage or distrust i got, i never felt like if the worst happened i'd rather be in anyone's hands but my parents'.

this morning i overreact to barb talking about sangha-related stuff. i recognize that she needs time away from me, away from talkative, sweet dan working on the house. so i go upstairs to do laundry, write, rip CDs, change the music on the player, go to scottie's later. i have been busy this week, am staying busy through the weekend. and i finally figured out something that always puzzled me about people like my dad and eric artzt, who go crazy if they don't have something to do. i guess it's like physical exercise being the best antidepressant: when you have something to accomplish, whatever the importance or time commitment, you have less attention span to devote to going over future guesses and possibilities, eventually focusing on the scary ones. i know there were inherited chemicals involved (a bunch of us get the sad gene: me, mom, sometimes i think melissa and jessie) but i also know that spending 2000 after we got back from italy not knowing what to do left me to worry about money all through 2000-2001 (plus there was that pesky Presidential election). so yeah, it's good for me to keep my hands busy. maybe our brains are gyroscopic: keep 'em spinning, or they begin to tip.

busy two weeks

for some reason the story has moved to a different part of the family. joanie's pericarditis, then last saturday night spent bowling with tom and keely and fred and julie and jeff julie's brother. we conceived the idea of doing a movie night tonight to see Goodbye and Good Luck (which I'll review--marvelous film) with fred and jeff and mary kay jeff's wife. then all drove over to pagliacci near lake forest park and sat around and jabbered and laughed. keely is so incredible. she has the calm watchfulness of her dad, and his and her mom's eloquence and humor. watching tom and jeff talk was also a happy goal successfully completed.

fred of course is one of barb's most beloved friends and he's become one of mine too. as is julie. first time we ever met julie was many many years ago when barb and i got stoned for the first time in a long time. barb decided she'd better go lie down. i was there to meet with fred and his "new girlfriend." i also remember it was the traditional opening-of-boating-season foofaraw down at the montlake cut, and we could kind of see that far from the porch of barb's and my first house. so fred (whom i barely knew--and was before-he-stopped-partying fred, a sometimes very different bird) showed up with this absolutely crazy blonde woman. it's interesting that my first impression of julie, like it was with joanie franks, was that she was completely hilarious. she's also gentle, and very affectionate. some time ago after a close friend died of aids, she became a buddhist and a far more devout practitioner than barb is or i am (though we talk freely abot it with her, and she's one of the less judgemental people i know). and she and fred interact in that same really beautiful, warm, funny way--couples that tease each other and make each other laugh always seems basically healthy to me.

and jeff is in some ways the more outgoing version of his sister. he came to seattle with nothing, hit it big with mccaw cellular, and is (though he's politically conservative) almost completely unaffected about it. mary kay always dazzles me on those infrequent occasions i'm with her. (god, another one that got me with laughter!) i also know that she and jeff went through one of the most horrible things that can happen to anyone--their really beautiful son andrew was diagnosed with bad leukemia when he was (i think) 12 and died of it when he was 14. i admire them for living basically happy and positive lives with their remaining two kids and for acknowledging that a day doesn't go by that they don't grieve.

so this is, like, what--three out of four weekends with this branch of the family (counting seeing meredith & frank, tom & betha, and fred & julie all at the birthday party). it makes me so happy to be around them. and it's great to see barb so happy and comfortable, because she shines so bright that way.

man, i gotta take a breather. it's been intense around these parts. everyone at work really into hallowe'en, not me but I have an idea. job interview on tuesday, got lost trying to find wayne's office after but grabbed him for lunch. wednesday night saw eric artzt and went to hear joe wilson talk at town hall. which meant busing home, when the weather's turned to shit all of a sudden (the bad kind of seattle weather: it blows, it rains, it's cold). barb drove me in yesterday so i could go to the job fair. started out kinda bummed by stock market dive, a "thanks but no" letter from a company i'd applied to the day before. talked to a few companies at the fair, including an adorable young woman who was recruiting for avanade, the company robin works for. he flies all over creation and i don't really want to do that, but they do train and they are based here and i'd develop some good job skills and they have exactly the job i want. also talked with two other similar consulting places, one local. so at least i have an idea of what kind of job to aim for.

so we talked through my sadness a week ago, my mania tuesday, my depression thursday, my calm elation tonight. walking is good for me, my feet aren't hurting anymore, oh happy, healing does happen even if it takes awhile. barb is so right, the body is an amazing thing.

god i am the luckiest and happiest married man in the world. as god is my witness. i have hit all the jackpots any human can reasonably hope to hit.

party afterglow

extends another lazy beautiful fall day. i think it is just the collected, redispersed energy of so many extraordinary people interacting with one another. main accomplishments included: load of dishes, shower, downloading some songs, watching the end of god-awful lifetime network movie, talk to mom. love love love. every last one of you, them, us!

my birthday party

any collection of my family that shows up for a party (alternative explanation: anytime barb controls the invite list) i am dazzled at the beautiful array of humanity i have the privelege of loving.

special thanks to: scott, jo, robin, george, ed, eric artzt, fred, julie, meredith, frank, tom rideout, keely, tom starr, betha, joan kelley, craig and liz.

missed'cha: alan, cameron, bill, amy, sheri, joanie franks, joan ota, debbie, tom, wayne, cindy, mary anne, richard, christine, sherri, todd, stephanie.

thx to barb my heart and soul.

thx to chris and melissa for taking care of mom after she fell and hit her head. and to the buddhas and bodhisattvas for keeping her from harm.

i love my baby

and she's bound to love me some. um hum,love those nighties with the lace and flowers. hug her wonderful curves just so. damn what a beautiful woman.

just being in bed this morning and lying close. things are so sweet now.

got a page to display at work today. this is progress.

felt like 2001

don't know why but was feeling anxious today. stupid stuff like the stock market and politrix. then barb calls and says joanie had called and was getting chest pains checked out and also that tom lost his startup job to a typical political power play, well that's how those go, they land on their feet but i worry anyway. so to forget tonite i go to redmond town center (or is that "centre"?) and see deep blue, silly enough though way too long.

sunday

scott and i spent an afternoon cheering on the poor doomed mariners with felix hernandez pitching the last game of the season and looking stellar before the marineros went down with the boat again. we walked to the pacific inn for fish & chips and a pilsner urquell, if life has anything better for a sunday it involves scott and me playing guitar.

i'm old

the birthday was a happy one. not much recognition at work, but barb sent a beautiful bouquet of gladioli and lilies and carnations. i was in little kid mode. chocolate, yeah! then barb and robin andi not only went to scarf fine mexican food at la botana but actually then hopped over to the oak tree cinemas to see flightplan. (i'll review that on Woof!) and barb noticed that the pin oaks between the oak tree cinemas and larry's market were amazingly brilliantly colored, and they were. i gotta say, from the color standpoint the autumn is hard to beat.

i told barb it felt like 49 was this big watershed year and i was kind of freaked out about it. she said the same thing happened to her. but since she always starts preparing for next year's birthday by thinking of herself as one year older, i guess 50 and up have been fine for her. i have to say 49 finds me in happier position than maybe ever. (well, it was nice to be a bunch richer 6 years ago. but that's the nature of markets and asset values. that's a great nonattachment practice for rich americans like me.)

hadn't seen robin for 2 weeks prior to last week. he'd gone through a bad stretch of boredom and not doing much at work, then (not sure of the order here) went off to vegas with his cronies and fell off the wagon for the first time in 10 years and got made the project co-lead with a guy he works with that he respects. so maybe he'll be happy. odd that i think that'd be a perfectly wacky/interesting job. i'm being bit by the work/travel bug again.

people just gotta be reminded that you're thinking of them and even then they may not want any human contact at all. that's the way i was feeling tonight when i got home after work/grocery shopping/no dinner! and then when melissa called and i about bit barb's head off.

at work and actually making progress building pieces and now starting to assemble them. data modeling, now i'm doing the visual spec. then code as much of the rest of it as i can. it's pretty intense, learn-in-a-hurry mental work, and it leaves me tired. tonight wanted just to retire and write, came upstairs, then barb and i both got calls from missy and then melissa, both with happy birthday wishes. talked to brother-in-law jim about getting out of the line of work i want to get into. maybe 'cause it's still almost brand-new to me and he's been doing it for 20+ years. he'd like to teach if he could make a go of it as a community college teacher or something similar. maybe in hawaii. hey, why not?

other happily received greetings
dad
dwight
lorraine & carl
mom
sandy
mj
meredith

and oh yeah someone's throwing a party this weekend. i think it's time i was the center of attantion for awhile. maybe i'll just sit in one place...