today's posts

are sponsored by the astrological sign Gemini: brilliant, restless, hilarious, uncaged.

...and Keely is 15

Keely Franks-Rideout arrived at 15 today, and the world also rejoices at this. Like her parents, she is one of a kind. A lovable mix of very grown up (she has the amazing intelligence and imagination of both her parents) and very kidlike, she's great with adults, who can get into rapt conversations with her. Every year in a kid's life brings new surprises (like that fake Chinese proverb about living in insteresting times), and I can't wait to see hers.

Joanie is 50

Today I spent a bunch of time with people I've known for more than half my life. Dave came to visit solo from California, and we spent a couple of hours talking over fake sesame beef and curry. I miss him lots. And tonight we feted Joanie Ota, and the most amazing group of people she's friends with all showed up and made her the happiest birthday girl ever. She was radiant, and damn she is mostly a very happy 50. There'll always be something youngest-kid-ish about Joanie: she's unguarded and expressive, totally draws people in. We compared all the different circles of hers that were represented: her kayaking friends, her Harborview friends (including crazy Redhead One, aka Carolyn, who seems pretty happy not with Pablo Alto), her Pomona friends, one friend from when she was in junior high in Long Beach (who later moved to Portland). Completely lovely people all, some with lovely kids. Barb was really sweet interacting with Kyle, Ken and Cindy's son. She knows what sweet people I'm friends with, she is comfortable being among them and just being herself.

So here we are here at 50 with a lot to celebrate and be grateful for.
And reminders for me that family is past and present connections persist no matter how dormant

23 years

what a bizarre night last night. after a week of disappointments (followed by a week of motivation and confidence) on the job app front, finally began to see forward progress on the site at work. planned a meeting with fred and barb and jeff and co on capitol hill to see Capote, then missed the bus in the crush downtown (sonics game + various shows). caught one wrong one, caught one right one, arrived 5 minutes before showtime. loved the film, then went with barb and fred to wonderful viet place named green papaya a couple of blocks from the theater. all happiness until i got home, barb snapping over me almost hitting her plastic sawhorses with the car in the garage, then getting big mail from dad. erma's resisting dialysis to improve kidney function still. worse, he's got mild diabetes now and he contracted a foot infection that put him in the hospital for a week and after he got out is having to quit teaching and get a nurse's aide in to administer antibiotics i.v. to kill the infection. and then joanie calls to say the celebration barb had wanted with all our friends for anno 23 may be off 'cause scott may decide to go to the football game with tom and keely instead of going out to snohomish with us. god damn. so barb and i watch a perfectly terrible movie instead and then i dream i'm telling joanie this on the phone but i awake and i'm not and my dad's still home and i don't know what the hell to do. my dad has always had the virtue (for a dad) of letting us know everything's under control. this is coupled with the vice that he loses his shit completely and turns completely inward when things begin to slip away from him. like, no calls, and even my offer of a visit i bet gets rebuffed. (and barb is all ready to climb on the plane, bless her.) so it's another cold and grey saturday. week after we go off daylight savings time and that's typically the worst: darkest, and this time (like many years) it's also when the temp drops 15 degrees and the rains come and the winds with them. so i wish i could share in the joy that it's the weekend, just don't know what the rest of it (or at least the rest of today) holds.

back from scott's

and in sympathy with mr. libby, scott would like to be known herewith as "scooter."

in fact the music was pretty inspired tonight.

susannah's still alive
connection
walk away renee
tiny dancer

wonderful sounding guitars and harmonies tonight. we have such a lot of tools to play with to get sounds. here's someone i've found ways to make new & evolving music with for pretty near 30 years now.

and alan and bob and tom cope and henry manzanilla and beck heywood and bill jeralds and jon ash and tom vache and steve anderson and greg thorne and karen almquist and susan brown. see i don't have many lovers but i sure have a lot of music relationships.

something i figured out

i've always thought of my father as a worrier. fortunately, he also made me feel like he had things under control and there was always something you could do no matter how bad things got. my mom and he taught me that in times of real emergency, make sure the field of vision is small and focused. one thing i can say about my childhood that no matter what other damage or distrust i got, i never felt like if the worst happened i'd rather be in anyone's hands but my parents'.

this morning i overreact to barb talking about sangha-related stuff. i recognize that she needs time away from me, away from talkative, sweet dan working on the house. so i go upstairs to do laundry, write, rip CDs, change the music on the player, go to scottie's later. i have been busy this week, am staying busy through the weekend. and i finally figured out something that always puzzled me about people like my dad and eric artzt, who go crazy if they don't have something to do. i guess it's like physical exercise being the best antidepressant: when you have something to accomplish, whatever the importance or time commitment, you have less attention span to devote to going over future guesses and possibilities, eventually focusing on the scary ones. i know there were inherited chemicals involved (a bunch of us get the sad gene: me, mom, sometimes i think melissa and jessie) but i also know that spending 2000 after we got back from italy not knowing what to do left me to worry about money all through 2000-2001 (plus there was that pesky Presidential election). so yeah, it's good for me to keep my hands busy. maybe our brains are gyroscopic: keep 'em spinning, or they begin to tip.

busy two weeks

for some reason the story has moved to a different part of the family. joanie's pericarditis, then last saturday night spent bowling with tom and keely and fred and julie and jeff julie's brother. we conceived the idea of doing a movie night tonight to see Goodbye and Good Luck (which I'll review--marvelous film) with fred and jeff and mary kay jeff's wife. then all drove over to pagliacci near lake forest park and sat around and jabbered and laughed. keely is so incredible. she has the calm watchfulness of her dad, and his and her mom's eloquence and humor. watching tom and jeff talk was also a happy goal successfully completed.

fred of course is one of barb's most beloved friends and he's become one of mine too. as is julie. first time we ever met julie was many many years ago when barb and i got stoned for the first time in a long time. barb decided she'd better go lie down. i was there to meet with fred and his "new girlfriend." i also remember it was the traditional opening-of-boating-season foofaraw down at the montlake cut, and we could kind of see that far from the porch of barb's and my first house. so fred (whom i barely knew--and was before-he-stopped-partying fred, a sometimes very different bird) showed up with this absolutely crazy blonde woman. it's interesting that my first impression of julie, like it was with joanie franks, was that she was completely hilarious. she's also gentle, and very affectionate. some time ago after a close friend died of aids, she became a buddhist and a far more devout practitioner than barb is or i am (though we talk freely abot it with her, and she's one of the less judgemental people i know). and she and fred interact in that same really beautiful, warm, funny way--couples that tease each other and make each other laugh always seems basically healthy to me.

and jeff is in some ways the more outgoing version of his sister. he came to seattle with nothing, hit it big with mccaw cellular, and is (though he's politically conservative) almost completely unaffected about it. mary kay always dazzles me on those infrequent occasions i'm with her. (god, another one that got me with laughter!) i also know that she and jeff went through one of the most horrible things that can happen to anyone--their really beautiful son andrew was diagnosed with bad leukemia when he was (i think) 12 and died of it when he was 14. i admire them for living basically happy and positive lives with their remaining two kids and for acknowledging that a day doesn't go by that they don't grieve.

so this is, like, what--three out of four weekends with this branch of the family (counting seeing meredith & frank, tom & betha, and fred & julie all at the birthday party). it makes me so happy to be around them. and it's great to see barb so happy and comfortable, because she shines so bright that way.

man, i gotta take a breather. it's been intense around these parts. everyone at work really into hallowe'en, not me but I have an idea. job interview on tuesday, got lost trying to find wayne's office after but grabbed him for lunch. wednesday night saw eric artzt and went to hear joe wilson talk at town hall. which meant busing home, when the weather's turned to shit all of a sudden (the bad kind of seattle weather: it blows, it rains, it's cold). barb drove me in yesterday so i could go to the job fair. started out kinda bummed by stock market dive, a "thanks but no" letter from a company i'd applied to the day before. talked to a few companies at the fair, including an adorable young woman who was recruiting for avanade, the company robin works for. he flies all over creation and i don't really want to do that, but they do train and they are based here and i'd develop some good job skills and they have exactly the job i want. also talked with two other similar consulting places, one local. so at least i have an idea of what kind of job to aim for.

so we talked through my sadness a week ago, my mania tuesday, my depression thursday, my calm elation tonight. walking is good for me, my feet aren't hurting anymore, oh happy, healing does happen even if it takes awhile. barb is so right, the body is an amazing thing.

god i am the luckiest and happiest married man in the world. as god is my witness. i have hit all the jackpots any human can reasonably hope to hit.

party afterglow

extends another lazy beautiful fall day. i think it is just the collected, redispersed energy of so many extraordinary people interacting with one another. main accomplishments included: load of dishes, shower, downloading some songs, watching the end of god-awful lifetime network movie, talk to mom. love love love. every last one of you, them, us!

my birthday party

any collection of my family that shows up for a party (alternative explanation: anytime barb controls the invite list) i am dazzled at the beautiful array of humanity i have the privelege of loving.

special thanks to: scott, jo, robin, george, ed, eric artzt, fred, julie, meredith, frank, tom rideout, keely, tom starr, betha, joan kelley, craig and liz.

missed'cha: alan, cameron, bill, amy, sheri, joanie franks, joan ota, debbie, tom, wayne, cindy, mary anne, richard, christine, sherri, todd, stephanie.

thx to barb my heart and soul.

thx to chris and melissa for taking care of mom after she fell and hit her head. and to the buddhas and bodhisattvas for keeping her from harm.

i love my baby

and she's bound to love me some. um hum,love those nighties with the lace and flowers. hug her wonderful curves just so. damn what a beautiful woman.

just being in bed this morning and lying close. things are so sweet now.

got a page to display at work today. this is progress.

felt like 2001

don't know why but was feeling anxious today. stupid stuff like the stock market and politrix. then barb calls and says joanie had called and was getting chest pains checked out and also that tom lost his startup job to a typical political power play, well that's how those go, they land on their feet but i worry anyway. so to forget tonite i go to redmond town center (or is that "centre"?) and see deep blue, silly enough though way too long.